Critical

I often feel resistance when I pursue my heart’s desires. This is a blog about the grace to confront it.

I just finished my first after-school art class! It had been a dream to teach one for a long time. The nudge came when my five-year old nephew asked for art time with me this winter. (Ironically, he was not old enough for the class, but we still do art together.) Registration filled up with my daughters’ friends for the pilot class: Everyday Beauty. What a great response! And yet… I felt a lump of worry rise in my chest – what an opportunity to fail! What if they find me boring, hate it, and I will have burnt bridges for our ministry and social life with all our daughters’ best friends and their parents?!

Worry is not patient. Nor can it laugh at itself. Nor can it allow for a learning curve. It is very serious. It is my knee-jerk response to newness. Been with me forever. This class was new. I had done things like it, but not exactly this nor with this group of people. This class was to build community, foster the confidence and creativity of the students, and grow personally as an art teacher. It was implicit not explicit about sharing Christ’s love. I felt the new-ness. That’s why the worry popped up. But there was another word too: desire, heart’s desire more specifically.

For me, art is an area of desire but also criticism. When I set down to paint or create an art project, I personally hear a loud critical voice (you’re not good enough, you can’t really do this, you’re not as good as her/him, etc…). Yet I also hear another word that compels me to keep doing it. It’s quieter, more peaceful, a whisper in my ear from someone who knows me really well. I need to hear it every time I wrestle with the paint on the canvas. I don’t consider myself a “great artist” whatever that means. I have been encouraged in art but also discouraged by people many times. Art has been an area of real low self-esteem yet also real joy, satisfaction, connection, and desire to do it and to learn more. I get this pop in my heart, “I just love this!” I know that is from the One who made me. He put this in me. I feel his pleasure when I do it. It compels me to make my mark and defend this creative space for others so they might experience God’s love overwhelm their harsh critic. Sean gets this pop when he makes music. Others get it when they write, bake, garden, flourish in their job, or design a really bold and inviting home. Creativity is the evidence that we are made in God’s image. Sheep do not create. Animals play, but they don’t make new things. Humans do. God gave us creativity to bond deeply with us. God’s love brings us to our vulnerable, creative space, where we feel the most shame and says, “I love you and I made you to make things that only you can.” Our Bishop always says that creativity is the mark of God’s Spirit. I felt the surge to provide a safe space for others to create. Heart’s desire trumps criticism.

At breakfast on the day of the first class, my oldest was nervous about the art class too! Perhaps a little worried how her friends would respond? I didn’t blame her. Because the Lord had been meeting me in my worry, I honestly told her: I am a bit nervous too! Then I added, “That means this is a new thing. And God helps us with new things.” Then all my childhood moves, my new-girl memories, my summer camps where I went alone, my butterflies in competition or public speaking, they all came flooding back, and I remembered the Lord meeting me in each one. Connection. To me, to him, to the desire to do this. I had a fun plan. I felt him lead me into it.

Heart’s desires are not anxious. That’s what makes them such a supernatural gift to us. The art class got delayed because of sports conflicts. There was a two month wait. In that time, I started to mess around with a familiar subject (dandelions) but in my favorite medium this time, oil paint. We finally have our house set up so oil painting is easy and accessible to me (no constant clean up in our family space or oil splatters on our freshly painted walls or new blinds anymore!). I stumbled upon something. It felt like a total gift. I’m actually having fun and enjoying this little series. It brought a burst of confidence as I sought to teach others art. It was just what I needed; I was so encouraged. “May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus” (Romans 15:5). It reminded me, God is always in the delays.

Day one arrived of the art class. My counselor suggested I ask the students what they wanted to learn. They were all engaged and eager to speak. As I listened, I could easily modify some of my plans based on their desires. There was a bit of tension in the air as we all were new to each other. It was as if they were asking, Will we like this? I gave them their first project: “Take off your shoe, take a big whiff, place it in front of your paper and spend 5 minutes sketching it.”

The classroom erupted in gross moans and giggles. They set about to draw. I heard,

“I can’t draw!”

“This is terrible.”

“I am a horrible artist!”

“Look how bad this is.”

“Yours is so much better.”

It just goes to show, whenever we try to do something creative, something new, something vulnerable, our most critical voice comes out. Having just faced mine (again) in order to host this art class, I understood. I have heard it every time I’ve set out to draw or paint. But there’s always another word too and it’s stronger. Desire. I love doing it. I feel God’s pleasure in being who he made me to be. I feel passion to defend space for others to nurture their creativity too. I know that passion is from God, he delights in the people he made. I felt compelled to respond:

“I heard a lot of negative comments during that 5 minutes! Did anyone feel frustrated? Feel very negative about their drawing?”

Lots of yeses. I replied,

“We all have ways of being creative. You might really love cooking or gardening or writing or drawing. But when we do something creative, we are always doing something new. We are taking a risk. Being vulnerable. It might not work out this time, but you’ll learn from it. You all just did something new. And I think you all were very brave. That’s the truth.”

Then I had them draw their shoe again, but NO looking on the page this time! That got a rise out of them. It leveled the playing field and shook them out of their critical voice and into really looking at the shoe. They were eager to share their “blind” drawings. In fact, their blind drawings had the energy and wrinkled-ness that their well-worn shoes really have. They told truth and that made them good drawings too.

Then I sent them off to make their “Shoe-You” self portrait. They drew their shoe in the way that brought them the most joy (a carefully detailed drawing or a blind one) and place them on a collage of all the places their shoe takes them. Surprisingly, they all went back to make a detailed shoe! Even if they heard that critical voice, it didn’t stop them from applying their full focus into their drawing. They were proud to show their finished product.

“I will make your overseers peace
and your taskmasters righteousness.” (Isaiah 60:17)

I love this promise in Isaiah 60:17. Through the prophet Isaiah, God is prophesying about how he will restore the beauty and strength to his people using the metaphor of the city of Jerusalem. He is speaking it in a time of real struggle, when the city was in ruins. It came to pass in part when the city was rebuilt. But that was temporal. This description is so expansive and permanent that it points toward heaven, where Jesus makes all things new. His Spirit, his voice breaks into our world all the time. His whisper is louder than a thousand critics because it’s true. Instead of that critical, harsh voice that we hear in our vulnerable place that makes us want to quit; we hear, I am with you, I love you, keep going. He especially loves us when we don’t deserve it. His I forgive you, is the strongest love there is. It is necessary we hear His gentle, forgiving love in our most vulnerable place; Jesus gave his life so we would. God is promising to make peace rule in our hearts and that voice in our head will always be righteous – always be for our good, for building us up, for revealing God ‘s grace to us.

Jesus made that gracious voice of God known to us and he continues to make it known.